I bury my sadness and grief below endless piles of ‘to do’s’ and distractions.
No matter how deep I hide my feelings, I can’t run away from them - at least not for long. They lurk behind corners like a sneaky black cat ready to pounce at any given moment.
You see, the mask of happiness that I wear on my face - the mask that says I have it all together - I don’t. Far from it.
What you don’t know is that I’m crumbling inside. I’m broken.
Without the one person who brought so much love and joy, I’m a lost wanderer with no destination in sight and nothing to ground me.
I may show a happy face, but the tug of grief always lays just below the surface. Always nagging for my attention and feeding off my tears.
Even when I turn a blind eye to its perpetual nudging, it eventually catches up to me, leaving me breathless and empty.
It was once an avoidance tactic that worked well, but my mind and body are tired from the chase. I’m done running and hiding.
I've learned along the way that to feel, grieve, and process is to heal - and it’s a way to honor my Mom and her life. To pay homage to our bond and the immense love I felt for her.
So, from now on if you ask me how I’m doing, I’m going to give you an honest reply. Some days are better than others, but that’s how life goes after you’ve lost someone dear to you.
There will be times when the weight of grief is lighter, and I can smile while sharing memories and stories. Other times, the grief will come in like a crashing wave and the pain feels unbearable. On those days, I will give myself space to be with my sadness and pain.
Grief is not a linear journey. It's a winding path full of ups and downs, twists and turns. It is a part of me now, and I am learning to carry it with presence, understanding, and grace.
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