My face says I’m happy, but my heart says I’m sad.
Beneath the surface lie layers and layers of complex, painful emotions. Heartbreak, longing, confusion, sadness - all hidden from view and out of sight.
I bury them to protect you from the sorrows of my soul. To shield you from the heaviness that exists within the confines of my broken heart.
I’m an actress who’s rehearsed a script, a script that says “I’m fine, everything’s fine". It’s a role I’ve perfected over the years.
But what you see - it’s all a performance, a farce. A way for me to fit in, to feel normal, to keep from becoming an outsider, an outcast. I conceal my pain with a smile, with a look that says I have it altogether.
It’s an act that I can keep up for a while, but sometimes when I am exhausted from keeping up the facade, I take the mask off. When no one is looking, my smile fades and suddenly the pain and heartbreak rush in. The real me – the me that has experienced loss, the me that knows grief – that person has returned and I’m once again alone with my feelings. I'm alone with my weary heart and my worn soul.
Within these four walls, I feel the anguish of losing you all over again. I feel the way the pain overtakes me. And for now, it’s ok because it’s just me, far removed from the outside world.
As I gather myself, as I put myself back together, as I prepare to face the world again, I put the mask back on. I take a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other.
For now, the performance continues. For now, I’m an actress playing a role. For now, I’m hiding myself to protect you from my feelings, my grief. To fit into the mold.
Perhaps someday the curtains will close on this act. Perhaps someday I’ll take off my mask and let my feelings free. Perhaps someday I won’t feel the need to protect others from my grief, from the loss that has left a huge hole in my heart. Until that time comes though, the mask stays on, the act continues, and the show must go on.
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