After over a year of countless doctor appointments and scans, we finally received Mom's official diagnosis: She had Alzheimer's.
Our hearts were shattered.
Alzheimer's— A disease with a relentless progression that steals one’s humanity and memories.
A disease that leaves only fragments of the person they once were.
A disease that sends you on a heartbreaking journey of uncertainty and grief.
A disease that brings with it the longest goodbye.
I sat down with Mom soon after we found out, my heart heavy and worn. I was nervous and afraid to talk about it, unsure of what to say. Yet, despite my fears, I knew that words needed to be spoken. Always being the brave one, you went first.
You looked me in my eyes, and you told me you were scared.
You had so many questions…
What was this disease going to do to you?
How soon would it impact your memory?
When would it steal your ability to communicate?
When would you no longer know us or recognize our faces?
When would you have to give up driving?
What other freedoms would be taken from you?
You had questions I couldn’t answer— questions even the doctors couldn’t fully answer due to the unpredictable nature of the disease.
It felt like we were preparing for battle against an aggressive and formidable enemy. Without a plan or strategy. Without a map to guide us.
Tears welled up in your eyes and I saw the fear in your face intensify. With each second that passed, I had an overwhelming urge to protect you. To become a human shield to your anxiety and worry, determined to not let anything hurt you again.
I wrapped you in a hug and held you close, just as you always did when I was a child.
Although we did not say it out loud, I knew we were both grieving for the life you were leaving behind and the remaining life this disease would eventually steal from you.
What I couldn’t admit to you is that I was really scared too. I was terrified to my core, not knowing how this dreadful disease would change you as a human being, or when it would eventually take your life.
I did not tell you losing you in this way was unfathomable.
I did not tell you I could not imagine my life without you in it—without you at the center where you had always been.
I did not tell you I knew what heartbreak felt like because my heart was splitting into a million pieces at that very moment.
I did not tell you my heart would continue to break, never to be whole again.
We cried together until our tears ran dry. I clung tightly to you, unwilling to let go, knowing that the moment I did, I would be stepping into an unknown and frightening future I wasn't ready to face. So, we lingered a bit longer in our embrace while I silently wished that doing so would somehow keep us from the inevitable.
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