I may not wear my grief like a shiny badge visible for all to see, but rest assured it is there. It is always there.
It exists in the hustle and bustle of daily life.
It exists beyond the smiles, conversations, and the laughter.
It exists in the silence and the solitude.
It exists in the light and the dark.
It’s a part of who I am now, permanently ingrained in my heart and soul. It’s embedded in the ins and outs of my every day, never to leave my side.
It’s there when my head hits the pillow at night.
It’s there first thing in the morning when I open my eyes.
It’s there in my smile.
It’s there in my interactions and conversations.
It’s there when I look in the mirror.
It’s there when I drive my car.
It’s there in a song on the radio.
It’s there during family birthdays, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.
It’s there every Mother’s Day.
It’s there in a beautiful sunset or a bright star on a crystal-clear night.
It’s there in a fleeting memory.
It’s there in a cherished photograph.
It’s there in old voicemails.
I may not wave my grief like a flag but believe me when I say it is there. It is always there.
At first, it showed up as an uninvited guest. No notice or warning. I tried to push it away, but it would return each time stronger and more persistent. With no energy left to fight, I decided to make peace with it, to let it in.
Most of the time when it appears, it shows up as a dull heartache, a momentary loss of breath, an intense feeling of emptiness, or a wave of unstoppable tears.
Over time, I’ve learned that grief is not a burden to shove aside or avoid, but a companion to embrace and give space.
This grief, it's a part of me now. There's no denying it.
Like a weathered badge, it holds stories of love, loss, strength, and resilience. With each day, I find solace in the lessons and insights it teaches me. Throughout this journey, I am honoring the past while carving a path forward, holding tight onto my Mom's legacy as it serves as my lifelong guide and teacher.
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